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Proof! Santa does exist, but not as you know him..13.11.09

einstein2Definitive proof is now available for not only Santa’s existence, but for exactly who he is, and what technology he uses for overnight delivery to every child in the world. But even better, backed up by the stats, we can exclusively reveal that Milton Bayer are now offering a similar service in direct competition to St. Nick. Well, we couldn’t miss out on piggy-backing such a perfect PR opportunity. Sorry Santa.

The skeptics view
First, the ‘evidence’ against Santa.

  • No-one has ever seen a flying reindeer, possibly with the exception of Santa, his wife, and lots of Elves.
  • There are 300 million children who believe in him worldwide, a minimum of 100 million homes.
  • Taking a clever use of time zones into account, Santa has only 31 hours to make his deliveries
  • That means he has to visit 896 homes every second
  • This also means he has to travel at a speed of 2.34 million miles an hour
  • At an average toy weight of 2lbs, the sleigh would have to weigh over 321,000 tonnes
  • Even if Santa’s flying reindeers were ten times stronger than ordinary ones, that would require 214,000 of them to pull the sleigh
  • 353,000 tonnes (reindeer weight included) travelling at 650 miles per second would cause enormous friction in the atmosphere, and Santa, his sleigh, and all the reindeers would instantly burn to death. Oh dear.

But we beg to differ. Here’s why he DOES exist, and who he is…

How he does it
OK, nobody has seen reindeers fly, but there are estimated to be 300,000 flying species on this planet that people also have not seen. And, are we going to conveniently ignore genetic engineering? That’s besides the fact that in reality (which is, after all, what we’re dealing in here), he may not even use reindeers. There’s more likely ways to deliver a present.

Now, the logistics. Well, it’s obvious that Santa is a technologically savvy guy. The scientific world is progressing every day, and if Santa is not an early adopter, then who is? Santa could easily have developed some kind of iron heat shield. I mean, he dives down chimneys. Which have fires burning at the bottom. And survives. Hello? And what about Nano technology? The pressies could be manufacturing themselves as he travels to each house!

That just leaves the timing issues. The latest theories in string theory say that it’s perfectly possible to be in many places at once. An estimated 25 dimensions (Santa being in the 25th) make it quite easy to pop back and forth between them, seemingly without any time having passed, meaning instant deliveries. You do this via a ‘wormhole’, or an Einstein-Rosen bridge. Most scientists we asked would agree that these bridges resemble the shape of the universe itself, which just ‘happens’ to be cylindrical, some say chimney shaped. Coincidence? You decide.

Who he is
Well, he would seem to have a very advanced knowledge of space-time and the theory of relativity, no? And who came up with most of this theory in the first place? A jolly, eccentric man with big white hair, a big nose, northern European accent. It’s all pointing to one undeniable truth. Santa is Einstein.
No-one has more knowledge of moving matter around than Albert, he looks like Santa, and he stopped publishing theories at about the same time as the modern red-suited Santa started to appear. Conclusive!

MB takes on Santa
Einstein isn’t the only one with talent, or the facts to back it up. If you think you’ve left your Christmas deliveries too late this year, think again, and look at these achievements from recent campaigns.

We can turn an email around in a day or less (which includes design and build).

Our average delivery rate is 98.97%

Average industry for open rates is somewhere between 10 and 15% , whereas our average open rate across recent emails is 43.83%

Average industry click through rates is somewhere between 2 and 5%, whereas our average click through rate is 15.07%

We are sooooo cutting edge. Not only can we turn around your end-of year email communications overnight (including design and build), we can get 3x better results than the accepted norm. And if you want to talk integrated marketing, well, the sky really is the limit. We have the capability to create a strategy that works for your campaign, and with the right thinking behind it, let’s talk about conversion rates going through the roof!

So this year, don’t be naughty; believe in the possible, and make Christmas three times better. Contact us with your Christmas mailing list, you might just get what you wish for.*

*MB would like to point out that mince pies or carrots are not a recognised form of payment for our overnight email service. Brandy or Red wine may, however, be considered as part payment. Moreover, Santa, and Milton Bayer may not be using advanced physics and technology to perform their miracles. It might be magic.

About This Author

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Milton Bayer

Milton Bayer

Milton Bayer is a strategic, switched-on creative agency based in Northampton that delivers websites and marketing campaigns. Awarded Investors In People in 2009.

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  1.  

    Julie Chorley said:

    November 17, 2009 1:55 pm

    Ok, you’ve got my attention! Christmas bookings are not looking great, we have 300,000 customer e.mail addresses and we need them to come bowling. What can you do to help??

    01

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